Found, yes, but not completely. Living the mystery is now more comforting to me than any certainty of where I am at. I prefer it that way for it leaves me more open to new learning. But seriously lost? Not anymore. Not after I claimed my self-worth and am gradually growing in true appreciation of the unconditional worth of others. Writing God Never Hurries was an important piece of finding my way. It gave my life context and put perspective on my troubles.
In my memoir I tell of listening to my father’s litany of derision one morning and I wrote: But I felt like a duck. His words seemed to hit my back and roll to the floor as I stood there flipping pancakes. They did not penetrate me and I felt some hate drain with the understanding that he is not going to change. That brought a strange kind of relief. I remembered the words there is a reason and season for everything—joy/sorrow; bravery/fear; love/hate; peace/war. I remembered too, other words that woke me once before, “Be careful. He’s dangerous.” I wasn’t sure those words were real until then.
Deep appreciation for all my learning thus far came to me in the mail recently on a CD sent to me by one of my Wisdom Seeker friends. There was no artist named on it and a magic marker had identified the title as “How Could Anyone.” It is sung by the voice of an angel accompanied by a soulful melody to these words:
“How could anyone ever tell you
You were anything less than beautiful?
How could anyone ever tell you
You were less than whole?
How could anyone fail to notice that
Your loving is a miracle?
How deeply you’re connected to my soul.”