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| The mystery within . . . |
Growing up I was not permitted a mind of my own. And if I did express an idea or
preference for anything it would invariably be met with ridicule. No wonder I am reticent to speak an
opinion or look forward to engaging conversation. So when I was presented with an invitation from a friend, an
invitation I knew I would rather not accept, I was anxious about my response
and initially said nothing. A week
or two went by without a word or even an acknowledgement from me. My inability to speak my mind gnawed at
me. I thought maybe I could
respectfully write my decline in a note since the written word is a safer way
for me to communicate. Ironically,
my early conditioning made me a clear and concise writer, a gift for which I am
grateful. But now writing a note
felt cowardly and awkward. I
decided a phone call would be more personal and felt less threatening. When I got the answering machine I was
relieved. I could state my reason
for calling and wait for the call back.
It came, and I respectfully spoke my mind. My friend became ever more dear to me when my words were met
with acceptance. That acceptance lit a light inside me and I basked in its glow
knowing I do have a mind of my own and can speak it.
My anxiety over responding made me very aware of how much my
early conditioning still affects me, but I want to continue my growth in my
spoken words that reveal the light within me.
I know I am not alone in my previous conditioning. What if we could all know the light
within when speaking our own mind, or be the accepting listener?
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