 |
| God is... |
True forgiveness transforms who we are. It is a process that comes from the
head and the heart and results in emotional control. Freedom, and a more real view of life, then allows us to
give up resentment and come to view the perpetrator with compassion. I learned those awesome forgiveness
benefits in a two-day workshop I attended in the late 1990’s given by Robert
Enright and Susan Freedman from the International Forgiveness Institute. I was searching for real forgiveness
for my father, not just the cheap kind because it is something you are supposed
to do.
I also learned denial of anger and pride were obstacles to
true forgiveness. It is humbling
to admit being wounded. Pride was said to be a formidable foe for we are very
unaware of it. Therefore, it can
be healthy to get angry and prideful to deny it. I learned forgiveness is most needed where you feel the
least safe, and you need to be in a safe place to work on forgiveness. It was also comforting to learn I could
forgive without reconciling since reconciliation was dependent on a change in
the abuser. I attended that
workshop soon after my mother and I were both in safer places and I had already
experienced a wonderful cleansing burst of rage when my father denied me any
voice in my mother’s worsening dementia and care. I was well on my way to true forgiveness.
In my memoir I recorded what I wrote the evening following
that workshop:
And the very next
night an honest anger rose in my chest when I read a 1987 Archdiocesan Synod
recommendation, item 5, “Acknowledge and respond to racism.” Two words were so obviously missing—and
sexism.
The misogyny of my
church is outrageous! It is the
woman! It is why priests still
cannot marry! It is why women are
kept in place! It is embarrassing
and infuriating! Dear God, please
help me channel my anger appropriately.
And the very next day
a public radio discussion was on a New York City police brutality scandal. The interviewer asked, “Did statistics
show decreases in brutality where there were more women on the police
force? The guest said yes, and
added it was also true for minorities. He ended the program saying, “There is
no question that any organization needs to be made up of the people it serves.”
I have come to understand my complicity in patriarchal abuse
both through my father and my church.
I found my voice, refused the victim role, created a safer
infrastructure, and now live with much less resentment. Perhaps it is good to hold on to a
little resentment to spark continuing change. It’s been twenty-six years since that 1987 halfhearted
Archdiocesan Synod recommendation. I continue to be challenged to trust in the
slow work of God.
What if we all came to see our complicity in patriarchal
abuse?
No comments :
Comment