Thresholds' Review

The Mystery within...

On our July “Women Gathering 2018” weekend retreat we were led to reflect on the many different thresholds we have crossed in our life. Our one-day winter follow-up, on where each of us are with our life’s thresholds, was held January 19, 2019. This review made it clear to me all of life is about change and how I accept and grow with those changes.

The challenging threshold I was standing on in July was to find my voice and express myself to a public political ideologue. I feared getting “dirty” in a fight. My initial fear of getting “dirty” led me to find the courage to write my truth respectfully, through a series of letters to the editor of my local paper. 

Main ideas in those letters were: we are all in this together—vote responsibly. Service to others is the hallmark of a healthy community. The health and education of our children is our country’s future. I shared recent tips I had learned in how to search the internet to be better informed on the issues and candidates on the ballot for my district. I acknowledged my gratitude for the Dane County League of Women Voters who listed statewide Wisconsin candidates and how each proposed to served the people if elected. I summarized the first ever Ozaukee County Democratic Party fundraiser where speakers called for respect and dignity of all; more equitable tax distribution, critical infrastructure maintenance, returning science to environmental management, investing in our children’s education, mental health, and adequate, affordable health care for all. And I quoted excerpts from Parker Palmer’s book, “Healing the Heart of Democracy: The Courage to Create a Politics Worthy of the Human Spirit”. I acknowledged we need grace in governance, and voting is more than a civic duty, it is a spiritual exercise. And finally, I shared how learning to breathe from my heart allows me to feel sheer compassion for those who govern with self-serving agendas.  

I was in a better place for our “Women Gathering” January Thresholds’ review. I realized how much effort I put into reflecting/writing/speaking my truth. Not just in political matters, but also from my own life in the completion of my second memoire titled, “Both and Things – The Power in Reflection”. In my first memoire, “God Never Hurries”, I danced with anger and fear for my mother’s and my safety. In “Both and Things” I am learning to dance with love, forgiveness and connection. The nest photo in this post was an art therapy piece from July’s “Women Gathering” weekend  retreat. When “Both and Things – The Power in Reflection” is printed, the nest photo will become the book's cover and will include an explanation of its symbolism for me.

To facilitate our January review of our individual Thresholds we were given these words to ponder: Acceptance; Letting Go; Mindfulness; Compassion; and Identifying Helpers. My helpers were easy to ID. They are retreat facilitators Cathy Gawlik and Dawn Zak, and our beautiful circle of women, who are gently guided in discovery and sharing. Poems also accompanied each of the five words for reflection. This stanza from a David Whyte poem titled, “Start in Close”, stood out for me:

Start with

the ground

you know,

the pale ground

beneath your feet, 

your own

way of starting

the conversation.

Also poignant for me were these words from a John O’Donohue poem titled “A Blessing, A Poem”:

May you arise each day with a voice of blessing 

whispering in you heart that something good 

is going to happen to you.

What if we all felt empowered through reflection?  

Recreating One Another

The Mystery within...

Teilhard de Chardin:  “We are one, after all you and I, together we suffer, together exist and forever will recreate one another.”

On Being columnist, Courtney Martin, poignantly shared her angst over president elect Donald Trump in her column titled “Where I’mTurning to be Comforted and Challenged.”  I empathized with her frank admission of fear and feelings of inadequacy in how to be and respond to this looming presidency.  Courtney’s need for solace was important for me to read as my fear for our country escalates.  Mr. Trump has now announced as long as Wisconsin’s senator and Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan, agrees with everything he says and does, Ryan is okay, but if he doesn’t, then he is not okay.

I looked back at some of my past blogs that addressed fear and excerpted the following:

Philip Chard:  “…existential disorientation calls for visiting one’s existential home, which is the natural world.” 

From God Never Hurries:  Instinctively, I was aching for naturalness.  Every season brought me new and deeper insights that helped me navigate through dark times and brought deep learning.

Rev. Barbara Brown Taylor:  “God does some of God’s best work with people who are seriously lost.”

Gavin De Becker wrote in his book the “Gift of Fear”:  “Nature’s greatest accomplishment, the human brain, is never more efficient or invested than when its host is at risk.  Then intuition is catapulted to another level entirely, a height at which it can accurately be called graceful, even miraculous.” 

De Becker also states real fear is not paralyzing but rather energizing and refers to it as coiled up energy.  Perhaps courage is another word for that energy.

From God Never Hurries:  Forgiveness is most needed where things are least safe; and you need to be in a safe place to work on forgiveness.  

Forgiveness results in emotional control.  It transforms who we are.  Freedom and a more real life view are its fruits.  Forgiveness is giving up resentment and coming to view perpetrators with compassion.

...old fear surfaced.  And now I clearly see I still have shadow work to do with forgiveness.

The opportunities to recreate one another appear endless.

What if we each saw our suffering as a way to recreate and be recreated more often?

Conscious Women and Men

The Mystery within...   

I know my consciousness came through darkness and struggle with abuse that I suspect is at the heart of all consciousness.  My first need was for courage.  I list ingredients for courage in "God Never Hurries:"

"Courage Recipe:

Accept my fear.

Trust my mind, heart and gut.

Trust God.

Trust others and learn from their reactions." 

Also from my memoir:  "Early the next morning, while my parents were still asleep, I read an article in a publication called Radical Grace.  A 68-year-old grandmother wrote it to her granddaughter on her graduation in hopes that she could help her choose life.  She wrote of unholy martyrdom, diseased concepts of sin, masochistic obedience, and the need to always search for truth.  Her words touched deeply."  And "…the following morning while they still slept I read another article in the same publication that spoke of women's compliance and the resulting destructive behaviors I know too well."

I recently listened to a video interview between Jungian Analyst Dr. Jean Shinoda Bolen M.D. and Sue Monk Kidd http://suemonkkidd.com/media-room/media-features/video/, author of "The Dance of the Dissident Daughter."  In the video Kidd tells of a controversy resulting from a presentation she gave in a convent's space.  A ninety plus year old looking nun in authority called her in the office and questioned if the controversy was true.  Upon confirmation the nun replied, "It's high time people know that God is more than two men and a bird."  Which led me to ponder a recipe for abuse.

Abuse Recipe:

Claim masculine superiority.

Refuse to integrate feminine spirituality that honors the body and the earth.

Silence dissenting voices.

Create doctrine and dogma that obscures the sacredness of everyday life.

Claim infallibility.

What if we all questioned the heart of our spiritual conciousness?

Fear, Forgiveness and Prayer

The Mystery within...

Fear, forgiveness and prayer have been on my mind with the recent mayhem wrought by the terrorists in France.  Damning talk of revenge has me longing for prayers for the perpetrators of those heinous acts and prayers for the rest of us to accept our anger and fear that can start us on our work to forgive.  I know something of prayer, fear and forgiveness for they threaded throughout my memoir.  Some excerpts from “God Never Hurries:”

I sensed fear was at the heart of my father’s need to control, and his fears undoubtedly were heightened by my mother’s growing dementia and the fact that she had been the center of all things relative to a functioning home. 

…I felt empathy for his fears along with a sense of futility in any attempted dialogue. 

…I was also truly scared.  Scared for my mother’s and my safety. 

…fear is more than fight or flight.  Guile and cleverness are just two of many ways to address fear; and fear keeps the world in check.  [Adapted from “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin De Becker.]

[I attended] …a two day workshop on forgiveness sponsored by a Unitarian church in Milwaukee featuring Robert Enright and Susan Freedman from the International Forgiveness Institute.  I had previously heard them tell of their mission on public radio—to help people gain knowledge about forgiveness and to use that knowledge for personal, group, and societal renewal.

It was comforting to learn that forgiveness is a process; the first step is believing it is a possibility.  We can then look to our Pride, the negative kind, which blocks the process.  Denial of anger was cited as a clue to Pride and an obstacle to forgiveness.  It takes humility to admit being hurt.  It is humbling to admit woundedness.  Therefore, it can be healthy to get angry and Prideful to deny it.  Pride was said to be a formidable foe for we are very unaware of it.  I also learned forgiveness is most needed where things are least safe; and you need to be in a safe place to work on forgiveness.

Forgiveness benefits were many and were said to come from the heart and the head and resulted in emotional control.  It was said true forgiveness is not trivial for it transforms who we are.  Freedom and a more real view of life are its fruits.  Forgiveness is also giving up resentment and coming to view the perpetrator with compassion.

Like Teyve in Fiddler on the Roof, I had many informal conversations with God.  I am called to pray for my enemies out of love--though love does not preclude justice for the wronged--it just makes me more whole.  And I learned to trust God's slow work in me.  

What if we all became more whole by praying for our enemies out of love?

Some Right Words

The Mystery within...

What a delight it was to wake Easter morning to the eloquently witty, and transformational words spoken by Fr. Gregg Boyle, on Krista Tippet’s On Being, The Calling of Delight:  Gangs, Service and Kinship.  He has the words and heart to guide our spiritual work to open our anguished race conversation and lead us to know everything and everyone belongs. 

His walking in the lowly places models how when we interact with the other, both of us are changed.  And he knows that demonizing is always false.  He sees no divisions.  “I am the other you, and you are the other me,” and believes God created otherness so we would seek union.  His stories are of woundedness, and how learning to befriend those wounds brings transformation.  And he knows it is the other that saves us.

Fr. Boyle cautions us to be mindful of things that are fear driven, and the mental walls they create.  He says burn out comes from striving for success.  And he asks that we look for the sacred in the ordinary.  (Jesus took the cup at the last supper, not a chalice.)  And he points out that service is not the end all but rather the hallway to delighting in kinship with the other. 

The Los Angeles gang members Fr. Boyle affectionately calls homies, grow up in some almost unimaginable circumstances.  As a society we need to know those effects and also how to deliver better mental health care.  Knowing another’s story leads you to compassion.  Our job is to learn we are all homies—connected in kinship and belonging to one another.  When asked where his joy and healthy humor come from he responded, “From having a light grasp on life.”

What if we all heard words of belonging from the other that we are dying to hear?   

Project Belonging

The Mystery within...

I had a dream last night about a project to get everyone, everywhere to learn and speak a language of belonging.  It was one of those dreams when upon awakening it quickly fades from memory.  But I seem to recall the whole world was involved in creating a belonging language and just before awakening I was in a classroom of young children who were excited to be working on this project.  No doubt this dream was the result of listening to john a. powell’s conversation with Krista Tippet last week on how we might open up our anguished race conversation into the spiritual work of self and belonging.

Powell was right when he said we do not yet have the words to speak what needs to be said about race relations in America.  I looked up belong in my Thesaurus and most of the synonyms left me cold with references to card carrying members.  There were some words like respect, regard, concern, involve and touch that fit with powell’s focus on the spiritual work needed to promote belonging.  I believe the language of belonging will come forth when we all know, on a gut level, how deeply we are connected to one another and the natural world.

My knowing of this deep connection came when fear and intuition led me into nature where I encountered an Energy that told me to “Be not afraid” and led me to trust I would be shown the way to work through my struggles with my aging parents’.  I was shown my complicity in my troubles and gradually found ways to change myself--the only person I really can change.  It seems fear permeates both sides of race relations in America today.  Perhaps asking to know our complicity in this trouble will eventually lead us to a caring language of belonging where we all fit together. 

What if everyone everywhere worked on project belonging?

Taming Terrorists

The Mystery within...

The reign of terror in our world today, whether homegrown or abroad, has been on my mind of late along with many questions such as what forms a terrorist?  What part does society, of which I am a part, contribute to terrorism?  And what part do I have in the formation of a peaceful world?  My questioning sprung from this quote from Marriane Williamson’s book, “EverydayGrace,” …”only love has the power to dismantle hate from which terrorism emerges.”  Williamson also writes that the next step in our evolutionary process will be learning how to love our enemies.  She suggests, “Think of the news as humanity’s prayer list.”    

I would like to know if there are specific studies today that seek to understand what leads people into terrorism.  Could the media then include such conjecture along with their reporting of the horrific details of torture, murder and destruction?  What turns an ego, in either a terrorist or anyone of us, into an infallible, “I am right and you are wrong” dogmatic believer?  Since I had been denied a voice throughout much of my life, I truly believe in freedom of speech.  But I don’t believe freedom of speech gives me, or anyone else, the right to poke a stick at a damaged ego.

As individuals, and as a society, what do we need to do in order to love our enemies?  Williamson writes:  “When we allow ourselves to feel the fear and sadness that lie behind our anger, our judgments undergo an extraordinary transformation and our fury turns into compassion.” 

What if in taming ourselves we also tame terrorists?

My Shadow's Voice

God is...

The awareness of my shadow last week took me back to a 1998 gathering I attended sponsored by the Center for Action and Contemplation (CAC).  I wrote of that experience which was published in that fall’s CAC issue of Radical Grace.  I found a yellowing copy of my learning that read:

I concluded the Women’s Rites of Passage program with Carolyn Baker, author of

Reclaiming the Dark Feminine, with a deeper appreciation for the creative energy of my shadow.  And I had an immediate opportunity to give my shadow voice.

The bus that was taking us from Ghost Ranch back to Albuquerque hadn’t even reached the highway when I met my first reentry challenge.  A wooden drum rolled off the luggage rack above and hit me on the head.  It momentarily stunned me as it bounced off my skull onto the floor.  My body was already objecting to being in the great aluminum container, with windows that didn’t open, and an air conditioner that could not be turned on until we left the curving, dusty road in the hot desert sun.  The heat and lack of air added to the insult of the drum.

The momentary blur in my eyes refocused in anger at the absence of the protective cord to hold luggage above.  Only one short piece of broken cord dangled from a compartment near the front of the bus.  A line of holes the length of the bus indicated where the protective cord should have been.  The next turn in the road brought a soft pouch across my field of vision.  Fear grew for my sore head.  My anger grew in fear of my surroundings.  My mood turned ugly.

Many of the women on the bus joked and laughed with the driver.  I was furious with him.  I worried I might be too much like the frantic Chicken Little, or the perpetually groaning Eeyore from Pooh Corner.  I felt ugly, but I didn’t want to be ugly.  And then I recalled my pastoral training where we encourage others, and ourselves, to stay with our feelings.  We are given them for good reason.  So I accepted my ugliness and waited for what it came to teach me. 

It confirmed for me that it is not right to jeopardize other’s safety.  I must tell the bus driver of the danger and my injury.  And although I appeared to be the only sourpuss on the bus, it was with good reason.  I had a sore head.

After we reached our destination and the bus was unloaded and some of the women gave the driver hugs, I faced him and gently said, “I’m sorry, but I must complain.  The cords on the luggage racks are missing and I was hit by a falling drum.  It hurt my head.”  His smile immediately left and he said in anger, “It’s not my fault!  People should not put stuff up there!”  I quietly and factually said, “No, the cord on the luggage racks needs to be fixed.”  He abruptly turned away from me, and grumbled loudly, “Okay, I’ll fix them!”  And I didn’t feel ugly anymore.

I am now grateful for that bump on the head.  It reinforced the need to accept ugly—stay with the feeling—until it works for change.  I learned I can be calm and factual when asking for change, (though sometimes it is even okay not to be).  And I hoped that when I meet people who are acting like “soreheads” I can remember my drum experience.  Maybe they are just in the process of working on some needed change. 

I believe the ugly hag resides side by side with justice in my shadow.  It is why justice is so elusive.  There is reluctance to seek her in the darkness where tremendous power exists to transform or destroy.  But my encounter with the drum, and my heart, has given me a little more confidence to trust my hag and to give her voice. 

Now, in 2014, I think it’s time to reread “Reclaiming the Dark Feminine.”

What if we could all see and remember the potential creative and healing energy of our shadow? 

Courage and Synchronicity

God is...

This past week I have become aware of the inter-relationship between courage and synchronicity.  And somewhere I remember hearing or reading, "Synchronicity is another word for God."  It took courage to make the irrevocable choice to have my constant companion, sweet yellow lab Ben, put down last week.  Thoughts returned to another time in my life when I needed courage while struggling with my aging parents' care needs.  In my memoir, "God Never Hurries," I even wrote a recipe for courage. The main ingredients are:  "...accept my fear; trust my mind, heart and gut; trust God; trust others and learn from their reactions...".  I think the need for courage to do hard things puts me on a heightened sense of alert where I become aware of the messages God sends through others and the natural world.  

The vet's recommendation to "not wait too long"; my niece's e-mail, arriving at the height of second guessing my decision, included a quote I once shared with her, "Indecision cuts like a dull knife;" and my neighbor's tearful telling of how very sick Ben looked the last time she saw him out in the yard, all felt like messages from God that it was okay.  An even before I knew of the futility of his diagnosis my shopping cart had rolled past a giant Kleenex sale display for twelve boxes of 230 2-ply tissues.  God knew I would need them.  

In the four days between my decision and scheduling the vet to come to the house, Ben was totally cherished.  My daughter's and my service was outstanding.  On Ben's second last walk to the woods my daughter came along and  took a picture of us about to cross the bridge over the Milwaukee River.  Just before Ben died I told him he would soon see Bear again and you guys can wait for me.  I'll come later.  He died with his tail wagging.

What if we could all cherish one another, feel totally cherished, and die with our tails wagging?      

Intuition/Curiosity/Courage

God is...

I recently read Gavin De Becker’s book The Gift of Fear and was struck by his brilliant descriptions of intuition.  He wrote:  Intuition connects us to the natural world and to our nature.  And.  Nature’s greatest accomplishment, the human brain, is never more efficient or invested than when its host is at risk.  Then intuition is catapulted to another level entirely, a height at which it can accurately be called graceful, even miraculous.  Intuition is the journey from A to Z without stopping at any other letter along the way…  And …Curiosity is, after all, the way we answer when intuition whispers, ‘There’s something there.’  De Becker also states real fear is not paralyzing but rather energizing and refers to it as coiled up energy.  Perhaps courage is another word for that energy. 

I know it all because it is what I lived to tell the tale about in my memoir, God Never Hurries.  It was as if the voice of God was speaking to me through the natural world.  The sun’s message to “Be not afraid”; a glimpse of heaven through grandmother moon; the bright blue sky and the clarity it brought; the deer that sparked my curiosity and later enlightened me; the fox that signaled caution; the raccoon that showed me evil often masquerades as good; and wilderness waters that relieved me of imposed guilt, were just some of the ways nature informed, comforted and emboldened me.  Periodically I still marvel at how I managed to hold my ground and not give into my father’s demands regarding his care.  All of the above, and more, was a long, difficult, but ultimately rewarding lesson in learning to trust in the slow work of God.  What if we all got in touch with our intuition, curiosity and courage?

Two Leo Tolstoy quotes sum it up:

“One of the first conditions of happiness is that the link between Man [read men, women and children] and Nature shall not be broken.”

And

“The two most powerful warriors are patience and time.”

The Paradox of Fear

God is...

I have just started reading Gavin De Becker’s book “The Gift of Fear.”  His first chapter begins quoting the author Margaret Atwood, “This above all, to refuse to be a victim.”  Her words resonated deep within me.  Then De Becker surprised me with a definition of intuition that succinctly summarized what led me to write God Never Hurries.  He wrote,  “Intuition connects us to the natural world and to our nature.”  And, “Nature’s greatest accomplishment, the human brain, is never more efficient or invested than when its host is at risk.  Then intuition is catapulted to another level entirely, a height at which it can accurately be called graceful, even miraculous.”  When I struggled with my aging parents’ care needs, I believe Attwood’s words were an unspoken mantra permeating my being, and De Becker accurately sourced them coming from the natural world.  Together their words highlight the grace nature provided, and my humble attempt to share it through my memoir.

My writing was sparked one early morning when instead of driving the two hours to get to my parent’s house in time to make breakfast, I uncharacteristically took a walk to Lake Michigan with my beach buddy, Bear (shepherd/husky).  As we walked my heart, mind, body and soul were consumed in what the day might hold.  But I was most aware of my soul.  It seemed to be telling me, “Love is courage talking, not long-suffering silence.  Down in the valley it looked as if my glasses were smudged.  But When I took them off I realized it was a soft mist beginning to enshroud me.  The farther down we walked, the heavier and more comforting the veil became.  Then turning a bend in the deepest part of the valley, the sun came alive as it beamed through the trees.  I caught my breath and heard my voice say softly, “Oh my God.”  (She is so beautiful in person.)  And I was infused with courage.  It was as if the sweet seductive voice of God whispered, “Be not afraid.”  Fear led me on that walk where I was told to not be afraid.  It was the beginning of my resolve to trust in the slow work of God.

What if intuition does connect us to the natural world and our true nature?  What if the piece of God within us, our original blessing, flows from the natural world?  What would we each of us do differently?